ANDREWGEDDON!
by Clockwork-hart1
Summary: Andrew Wells, your mission, should you choose to accept, is to go on a journey through time and space, to the world of the Mighty Boosh and nick back that bloody Shaman Naboo's book of Black Magic. You mean the one with the evil grandmas? Yes the one with the Grandmas. Now go!
1. Nanas Everywhere

(This is in no way intended to be taken seriously, this was just a joke I came up with when making up a bedtime story for myself one night—I'm weird, I know—but it wouldn't leave me alone, so here you are) _Italics _indicate thoughts and **_bold italics_**indicate song lyrics (Nanageddon)

Disclaimer: I own none of it. Yeah, Joss the Almighty and Mutant Enemy (and all affiliates) own Andrew and friends; Baby Cow own Vince, Howard and the rest of the Boosh bunch (even though I'm currently holding them captive in my house and will never _ever _give them back.) They ain't mine but I'll play with them whilst no big-wigs are watching. Then I'll stay _really_ still so they can't see me until they go away. I appreciate your not suing me.

**_Andrewgeddon!_**AKA:**The Chronicles of Dalston: the Watcher, the Wanker and his Wife**

Giles was being mean to him again. He treated him like an idiot child, which was offensive. Andrew had been the criminal mastermind behind the glorious villains "The Trio!", one truck-driving magic mama away from ruling the world. Now he was being scolded by an English guy in tweed for losing a Newbie Slayer. He tried to not stare at Giles' pretty eyes. Yeah, he was old, but _come on!_

"It was an accident, Giles! I only took my eye off her for a second." He pleaded innocence.

"Andrew, you let her hijack a tour bus nearly drowning a rather nice Chinese family, a French History student and a Polish supermodel in the RIVER-BLOODY-THAMES!" Giles exploded, suddenly feeling the need to clean the anger off of his glasses.

Andrew squirmed, struggling to keep up his innocent-face and shrugging slightly. He was suddenly drowning in his shirt. "Two seconds? Wait! Which model?"

"Does it really matter? You exasperating little waste of—URGH!" Rupert Giles rubbed two concentric circles around his temples and had to suppress the 'Ripper' urge to wring the little whelp's neck. "Look, Andrew, if you kindly shut up long enough for me to think, I could tell you that you have a mission."

"A mission? REALLY?" He suddenly was filled with barely contained glee.

"What did I say about you shutting up?" Giles scolded again. _If scolding was a profession, Giles could win a trophy. Wait, was that a mixed metaphor?_ Andrew shook his head, then looked back at Giles as though he was listening intently. "A book from my personal library has been missing for some time now. It wasn't under the Council's archives and there are no copies, bar the one that I seem to have misplaced. But I believe I know where it is." Giles failed to mention that he _had _stolen it in the 'Ripper days off of some Shaman that was never discussed anymore. Must have lost his powers.

"Ooh, where? Is this my mission, a grand espionage type deal where I break in—" He caught the flashing of the warning lights in Giles' eyes, the one telling him to shut up before he was eating the book. Or the tour bus. Giles was scary. He drew a zip along his lips and locked it, throwing the imaginary key over his shoulder.

"There is an occult shop in Dalston that I believe—"

"The Nabootique!"

Giles blew a painful, stressed breath through his nostrils. "Yes." _Don't kill him Ripper, he's just a lad. 'Can I just maim him a little?'_ "The book is rather aptly called 'The Book of Black Magic' and has the ability to summon demons. I believe Ethan stole it from me when he was in Sunnydale and sold it to the shaman…" _Back to a shaman. Probably not the right one, but a shaman nonetheless. _

Andrew was not listening. He had heard about the Nabootique back in the demon summoning days (that was a lie, it was after he 'reformed'; but don't tell Buffy) through a chat-room online, some Goth chick in England called Ajax or something used to buy her magic stuff there and her summoning had all come out pretty well. She didn't think she killed anyone in the process, either. "Giles you don't even have to ask, I am so there." Literally, Andrew was already making for the door.

"I have to warn you that book is extremely volatile and must be handled—" His office door slammed shut in his face. "Pillock."

* * *

"Hello? Is anybody there?" Andrew knocked sheepishly on the locked occult store door. A man in a blue turban and a gorilla came outside.

"Who are you?" The guy was cockney and had a lisp. He was cute, too, in a grab-his-cheeks kinda way.

"I'm Andrew Wells, Warlock!" The Watcher announced dramatically, awaiting the lightning that was inevitably going to follow his glorious title. None came. "You're Naboo, right?" He looked like the Shaman type, what with the genie costume.

"Whatever. I've gotta dash, my mates are about to get pummelled by a herd of evil grandmothers and their only hope is if I get the Shaman council to put an end to the blue-rinsed rain of terror." The turbaned man said all of this in the most laid back tone Andrew had ever heard, like he was high. But that was ridiculous, he looked about twelve.

"Evil grandmas?" That was new.

"Yeah, a demon called Nanatoo. Looks like a nana, hence the name. Anyway, gotta run before she stamps their balls off with a bingo pen. Nice to meet you though."

"Maybe I can help!" Andrew was gleeful.

"Whatever."

"Bollo's got a bad feelin' about dis." The gorilla spoke up. Oh, this was gonna be fun.

* * *

"VINCE!" The pained shriek of a moustachioed man in a nylon granny-dress.

"Sorry, forgot my boots", came the reply of a younger, similarly dressed man, carefully curled wig atop his multi-purpose, multi-hat suiting barnet.

Running through the green-lit streets of Shoreditch away from a pack of rabid nanas coming at them like a shark with knees, Howard Moon and Vince Noir were screaming. Howard screamed because of the killer grandmas that wanted to do horrible things to him (pinch his cheeks so hard that they fell off, knit him a jumper so tight he was strangled to death, make him listen to Tom Jones…), Vince screamed because the Granny wig was ruining his amazing hair. It took fifteen people to make it look this good, all wasted because of a demon who looked like Great Aunt Edith wanted to nick Naboo's Black Magic book. Yeah, he and Howard had summoned the bingo-playing maniac using the book whilst trying to impress those Goth girls, but that didn't mean _his hair_ should have to pay the price.

Demonic, satanic wailing consumed the scene, wild metal guitars filling the ears of our intrepid heroes and infecting their vocal chords.

**_Blood on the walls of London town_**

**_Satan's evil in a nylon gown..._**

Howard gripped the book like his life depended on it, which it did, whilst trying not to trip up in his weird grandma heels and trying to not think about how freeing the dress felt, _how breezy_… "Vince, keep running!"

**_Evil cakes, fiery lakes_**

**_Nanageddon's coming with a demon in a wig..._**

"I'm tired. I know I look fit, but I'm well out of shape. French Dukes don't work out, they drink wine and powder their faces." Vince panted and hunched over, feeling almost too weak to keep hold of the boots he'd won at Bingo. Almost.

Howard was exasperated. "Do you want your epitaph to say, 'Vince Noir: Mauled By Nanas'?"

**_Night-time creatures, _**

**_Aged beasters..._**

"I'm slightly offended you think I know what an epitaph is. And besides, they can't kill me, they'll be too much in awe of my—" A knitting needle stabbed him in the back. "Ah! Save me Howard!"

**_Chasin' you down_**

**_Huntin' you down_**

**_Draggin' you down like an aged demon..._**

Standing in the middle of the road was a kid with stupidly pointy blonde hair. "Have no fear, boys."

_To Be Continued..._


	2. Busted

"Who the hell are you?" Vince asked, hoping the kid might serve as a distraction to the grandmas whilst he and Howard escaped. No, screw Howard, the world needed the impeccable style of Vince Noir. Without his glitterati wardrobe the Sun couldn't rise in the mornings.

"Andrew Wells, Warlock!" Still no lightning._ Dammit!_

"I don't care who you are, just do something before the geriatric brigade gets us!" Howard screamed, running towards the newcomer.

"Very well. Is that the book you used to summon the Beast?" Andrew attempted a seductive smirk, like Spike used to whenever he did something dramatic or evil or good or anything at all. _Spike was sexy_… Andrew just looked like he had a tick.

"Yes, so? What's that got to do with anything?" Vince was still trying to pull out the knitting needle lodged in his back.

"Vince, my sweet, slow-witted comrade, the warlock can reverse the spell using the book." Howard threw the book into the arms of the strange boy who seemed to want to save their lives. Why question someone who wanted to save him? The kid had obviously heard of his work and couldn't bare to live in a world without him.

Andrew caught the book. Book of Black Magic. _Isn't this what Giles wanted? That was easy_. Andrew opened the book and read out the first thing he saw. "OOOOOOM!"

Suddenly, a small pink octopus that looked like a ball bag fell from the sky and landed on Nanatoo's head, knocking the demon unconscious and rendering the hoards of grandma-minions frozen. That was lucky.

"Ow. What in the hell? This is a bloody outrage, this is." The pink ball bag could talk.

"Tony Harrison, what are you doin' 'ere?" Naboo the Enigma, minus shaman powers emerged, travel card in hand.

"I was sent to retrieve the book with that numpty Saboo but he knocked me off the carpet, the wazzock."

"It's alright, mate, I sent this warlock to get it for me. Kid came through. If you give me my powers back I can get us back to the shaman council. Then you can get Bollo out of the pound, he gets lonely if he's away from Vince's hair too long."

"Sure thing mate, just get me off the floor, it's cold on my tentacles."

Naboo lifted the ball bag and the two disappeared in a puff of smoke. The old-lady demon was still passed out on the floor, though.

_Come on Andrew, think! What gets rid of old lady demons?_ He leafed through the book again, hoping for a second stroke of luck. None came, the book was in some sort of weird shaman language. Or maybe it was weird British slang he didn't get. He was sure every other thing that Giles and Spike said to him was an insult, he just didn't know what they meant. What the hell was a ponce anyway? _Okay, Andrew, here goes nothing._ "Piss off, granny pants! Go away you stupid nana."

Amazingly, the demon disappeared, along with all of the clones trailing behind._ Phew!_

"Cheers mate, I've Vince. Vince Noir, Future Sailor." The shorter guy in the granny costume outstretched a hand. "This is Howard, he's my Bitch."

"I am not!" The granny with a moustache spoke up. "Can we just go back to the shop and get out of these sodding dresses?"

* * *

Some while later in the Nabootique, Andrew was sat drinking disgusting English beer with Vince (who looked far prettier without the granny clothes) and Howard (who did not) and the talking ape who was combing Vince's hair. This was weird, even for Andrew.

"Bollo make some tea for hero Warlock." Andrew shook his head. He didn't want some weird ape getting him drinks. He didn't want the weird ape to go anywhere near him. Andrew had primate fear. Bollo shrugged. "Suit yourself." he wandered into the kitchen to make some for himself. Bollo liked tea. He also wanted to nick some of Howard's Jaffa Cakes.

The room was then consumed by Gary Newman's Cars.

"What is it, Leroy?" Vince grabbed his phone and began chatting away to whoever this 'Leroy' person was. "What do you mean we've got a gig!" He put the phone against his chest, "Howard can I have a word outside?" The shopkeepers evacuated the store, leaving Andrew alone with the Book.

_Okay, Andrew, grab it and run, they'll never notice. _The wannabe-Watcher checked his surroundings, _coast's clear. _He grabbed the book and threw open the door, but at the jangling sound of the bell on the door, Bollo re-emerged, catching the book-thief in the act. "Vincey! Howard! The Warlock's trying to steal the book!"

Before Andrew could even get a foot outside the door, the two shopkeepers returned, giving the Watcher the stink eye. _Great_.

"Hey, Goldilocks!" Vince looked pleadingly at Andrew 'Benedict Arnold' Wells, "I thought you were a mate."

"No, Vince", came Howard's turn to point fingers at the guilty Watcher gripping the stolen book, "this man is wholly evil." Andrew perked up slightly, making the part of him that missed being a super villain feel proud. Howard continued his rant, shrew-like eyes squinting in scrutiny at Andrew, "I knew many like him in my days as a Man Of Action, in fact!" He turned dramatically to face a non-existent audience, "his despicableness is not unlike that of the demon he rescinded, sweetest Nanatoo…"

Andrew turned to Vince, "does he do this a lot?"

"All the time. Oi Howard! Snap out of it." Vince slapped his oldest friend hard across his cheeks, the connection making the slapee's moustache struggle to stay attached to his host-face.

"Thank you Vince. Now, the time has come to decide what to do with this traitor in our ranks." The two Englishmen faced the squirming Watcher.

Andrew began to sweat. _Did it just get darker in here? Am I imagining the dramatic rock music? Ah crap, I'm gonna get killed by two English freaks in a magic shop whilst a retarded gorilla watches. If anyone can hear me, I wish I was back with Giles._

"DONE!"

_To be continued..._

* * *

_(Note: Oh, and I don't think Bollo's a retard, I love the ape, but Andrew has primate fear, remember?)_


	3. Careful What You Wish For

"DONE!" Came the voice of a very veiny looking demon who was slightly familiar.

"Anya! OMG I thought you died. Wait, you did die, for me. Hey! You're a demon again. You're not here to kill me..._are you_?" He shrugged and wrapped his arms tightly around the Vengeance demon. Vince and Howard looked on, bewildered.

"Andrew? Aw Crap!" Anyanka Christina Emanuella Jenkins looked mightily pissed off. "I can't believe I'm in the wrong place again. Stupid D'Hoffryn screws up my teleporter when he brings me back, but does he care? No. Does he offer to pay for the bus rides? NO! Dammit Andrew, get the hell off of me, what's wrong with you?" She pushed away the small geek that was clinging to her. "Who are your friends?" She changed back to human guise, losing the pinky skin and the veins in favour of her pretty, petite form. The moustachioed guy gaped, the one with the beautiful hair grinned.

"Cool."

"This is Howard and Vince, they're probably about to kill me 'cause Giles is making me steal their demon book."

"That tweed clad librarian survived but _I,_ the eleven hundred year old ex-demon didn't! Well isn't that just peachy." She looked between the strangers. The older guy was sort of cute, in a hopeless losery kind of way, which she found kinda attractive in a man. The other one, despite infallible style looked like a woman. "Hey handsome, this your wife?"

"Hey. I am so sick of you demons thinking I'm married to this little runt."

Vince looked pained. "Howard, I thought you loved me."

"I do Vince, just not enough to make you my wife. It's nothing personal, really."

"Andrew, your new friends are weirder than you. Sorry fellas but you can't kill the little geek, I died to save his life and that does not go to waste." She put her hand on Andrew's shoulder.

Then, in the worst twist of fate Andrew had ever encountered, a giant bunny entered the shop.

The Vengeance demon screamed and vanished in a puff of smoke. She did not take Andrew with her.

"What'd I miss?" Naboo removed the bunny head. The shamans were having a costume party, and the theme was 'Night of the Lepus', of all things.

"Not much." Vince shrugged.

"Oi, Bollo get your hairy arse up, it's party time."

The ape nodded. "Bollo gonna get some from Saboo's chimp familiar, she got the hots for some gorilla love."

"Bollo you animal!" Vince slapped his friend on the back as he and the Enigma exited the store. "Right, now what are we gonna do with the warlock?"

"You will do nothing!" Andrew shouted dramatically, awaiting the flash of lightning he was previously denied. None came. _One day, it will work. It has to._ He had a brilliant, cunning plan. He opened the book and began to read a passage, to the horrified faces of the shopkeepers.

"Solo Polo green man come

hell on earth with a big green thumb!"

Nothing happened. Silence filled the room.

"This is awkward..." Said Howard, as Andrew looked at his feet, sheepishly. Then, it happened.

_To Be Continued..._


	4. Cunning Plan AKA Waking Up The Bed-Mates

"Howard, you _slag_, did you miss me?" The Hitcher emerged in the Nabootique with a dramatic flash of lighting. _Oh, the green guy gets it, but not me. Thanks a lot, Thor._ "Vincey _baby._ Who's the new guy?"

"He's just leaving." Andrew smiled in his trademark 'fraidy cat way, turning on his heels to run from the cockney geezer with a polo for an eye.

"No he ain't!" A large green thumb pulled the geek backwards into the grasp of the slimy green man. "You're the one that summoned me, I can smell it. Ooh, you smell all good, all coated in my essence. I've been looking for a new playmate. Had to end the 'Ripper a while back, got too slash happy. You'd be a tasty little replacement, wouldn't ya lad?" The Hitcher licked the side of Andrew's face.

"EEEW! Wait, you know Giles?"

"Come on, Son, time to see your new home."

"Nooooo!" Andrew shrieked.

"Ooh, I love it when their feisty!" The Hitcher dragged a green hand down the Watcher's chest.

"AAAH!" Andrew shot up in bed screaming, the sheen of sweat glistening on his body, his heart trying to crack open his chest.

"What's the matter luv?" Spike sat up beside him. The bugger had woken him up, and he'd been having a great dream where Angel was getting the crap kicked out of him by a slimy chaos demon, whilst Spike watched, eating blood-dipped popcorn… "Was it a nightmare?"

"No." Andrew smiled, "it was the most wonderful dream…" Then he snuggled into the vampire and went back to sleep. He loved British TV.


End file.
